Tag Archives: body image

Buttercup Squash Soup

Hey guys,

So I’ve not posted here in a while but I have been busy. I was, sadly, laid off from my job a month ago, but have been using my time wisely. I’ve been heading to the gym a few days every week, working out at home, making lots of healthier meals, and possibly getting a contract that may allow me to start my own business.

I’ve done enough work with the gym and such that I’ve been able to lose 1 inch off my waist and 3/4 of an inch off my bust… it’s not much but it’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve been watching The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp episodes too for inspiration and exercize ideas. This show is super inspirational to me and I really get the urge to exercize after watching it.

Today I was in the grocery store and I was trying to think of something to make for quick grab lunches, since I’m usually cleaning the house or gardening around lunchtime and don’t really want to stop and make anything big. I’m also very picky, I don’t really like sandwiches, and I need to be in the right mood for a salad.

Then I saw the Buttercup squash. I’ve had Butternut squash before, but not Buttercup, so I figured I’d pick it up and make a soup out of it. I found a simple recipe online and went from there. I added in some extra spices, and some red lentils, and goodness this is SO good!

It’s not vegan because of the cream cheese, but all things considered, I don’t think you’d necessarily need it. Next time I may just leave it out. I don’t have a picture yet, but I’ll add one tomorrow when I have my lunch.

Buttercup Squash Soup

-6 T onions chopped
-2 cloves garlic diced
-2 T olive oil
-6 Cups Buttercup Squash peeled and chopped
-1 1/2 Cups red lentils rinsed and sorted
-4 Cups vegetable broth
-1 tsp marjoram
-1/4 tsp seasoning salt
-1 tsp pepper
-1 T curry powder
-4 oz cream cheese

Saute onions and garlic with oil until softened. Add squash, lentils, broth and spices. Bring to boil and continue to cook 25 minutes, or until squash has softened, stirring occasionally. Place in blender, in batches, and puree with cream cheese until smooth. Place back in pot and heat through, do NOT boil.

Serves 10

I was able to figure out the nutritional info:

I need to figure out how to properly peel and cut up a squash because it took me about an hour just to do that… which could also be because I have pretty bad knives. The next time I make this I’ll probably leave out the cream cheese as stated before, and also use only 2 cups of broth and 2 cups of water to cut down on the sodium.

I ate a serving of this with a Tablespoon of sunflower seeds mixed in and it was heavenly.

I may have a new vice…

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The other side of healthy living

When people talk about healthy living, they quite often focus on eating right and exercizing regularly. They talk about their physical health, their progress with it, and how much it has changed their life.

However, just because you change patterns with your eating, your exercize, your lifestyle, that just doesn’t complete full healthy living. There’s a whole other side of healthy living that a lot of blogs and books don’t cover.

They’re like society, they only worry about the superficial. Do you appear healthy? Are you healthy on the outside?

Now don’t get my wrong, some of my favourite blogs are food blogs, recipe blogs, exercize blogs. I love Oh She Glows, she has some of my favourite recipes, I also read the blogs at Bodies in Motivation, where I really feel pushed to continue with my exercize schedule, even when I don’t want to. The big reason I enjoy these two sites is because they do focus on other areas of healthy living.

The inside part of it.

Healthy living isn’t just how you look, it’s how you feel, how you think, how you live.

You can train yourself to not go head down in a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (hello personal comfort food) whenever you’re hurt, tired, or depressed. But if you don’t deal with what’s making you hurt, tired or depressed, it’s just denying yourself something for the sake of denying yourself. To prove to yourself that you’re strong, you can get past these urges, and look, you fit a size 10 now.

It’s not a matter of “getting past” urges, it’s dealing with what is causing the urges. If every time you reach for the ice cream it’s because you’ve had a fight with your Mom, then you have to deal with your Mom!!! Otherwise, if you distract yourself from the ice cream by running on the treadmill, you’re just changing one obsession for another, and that’s not healthy!

You may have  a good body, but if your mental state isn’t there, you’re not getting the healthy body with the right reasons.

As part of that, I’m working towards healing some past hurts this year. My “bad feeling” obsessions are as follows:

-Youtube (I distract myself from real life by watching videos of other people’s lives)
-Romance Novels (If I felt unfufilled in my relationship with my husband, I’d find a different one in a book)
-The afore mentioned Ice Cream (When I got upset, I didn’t care about my body so I’d give up and eat my favourite dessert)
-My Imagination (When life becomes boring or to tough to handle, I escape to a story/movie that I have going in my head… it’s weird, but it’s a coping mechanism from childhood)

So, these have all become unhealthy things in my life. I’ve already taken steps to improve some of them.

Youtube

I have already started cutting back my internet time. I calculated out how many hours I spent watching youtube videos, and it was more than I care to reveal here. I was wasting my life away in front of my computer. So I’m cutting back on that, I’m trying to get myself down to maybe an hour a day. Which means I’m missing a BUNCH of videos because I just don’t have time to watch them, but it’s something I need to get past. Due to this extra time I’ve been able to hit the gym more, cook dinner, and read more… which brings us to:

Romance Novels

I checked last year through my library, journal, and memory, and I discovered that throughout the year of 2010, I did NOT read a full book other than a Romance novel at ALL. This, really saddened me. I mean come on… am I that sad of a person that the only books I read are romance? I’ve given myself a mandate. I need to read more for education and self healing. This is not to mean that I CAN’T read fiction or something, but I really want to stay away from Romance this year. (I’ve read one romance novel, but I started it at the end of December and finished it on New Years… I’m still counting it, but it’s just one, and I haven’t read any since). I’m going to put a page up top that lists the books I read this year. I’m hoping it looks a lot nicer than last years, which I’m too embarrassed to post.

Ice Cream

I should probably add Chips to this as well. I love snacky foods, and sugary ice cream. As stated above, I love Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, particularly Hagen Daaz, and I also really love chips. Now my cruddy eating usually falls around visits with family that don’t go well, fights with hubby or general feeling bad about myself. To counteract this I have placed some rules on myself. I’m not allowed to have change on my at ANY time (the vending machines at work are cheap and too easily accessed). Ice Cream is not allowed in the house (ok, so sometimes it is… we have a tub of it in the freezer right now, but when this happens, I’m not allowed to have more than a small scoop of it a day… and my hubby is very helpful with this in not eating it in front of me, or making sure he only gets a small bowl so I don’t feel like I’ve got such a piddly little amount). I’m also not allowed to eat ANYTHING after a major blow out with family. I’m notorious for gorging myself on any food I can find. So if it takes leaving the house to go for a drive with hubby or what, I just can’t have anything to eat until I’ve calmed down. Or if I NEED to eat, then it must be small and healthy, like a salad, or pita or something.

This may sound a little out there, but it’s what I need to do to curb my eating. I’m also not allowed to substitute the elliptical, jogging, or walking for the food. I must just STOP and deal with my emotions before I can continue. I have an addictive personality, and thankfully I never got into drugs, smoking, or to deep in alcohol, but I get addicted to other things very easily so I have to place limits.

My Imagination

This one I really will have problems with. It’s something I’ve had as long as I can remember. And if I could get the stories I’ve written in my head out on paper I’d probably be a famous author or screenwriter right now. But I’m not, and I can’t, and these different lives I’ve lived in my head are not exactly healthy and are really just a way for me to not live in the real world when things get too tough. My hubby always knows something’s not right when my eyes glazing over increases, because I’m not really there with him. I’m not sure exactly what I can do to stop this escape, like I said, it’s something I’ve done since I was a wee child. I had a difficult childhood and this made it livable, when things were too rough, I had a better life to live in my head, and it always had a happy ending. It’s hard to type this out, but as I’m typing for me, and not for anyone else, I need to get it out there.

Having it on the page makes it real, brings it to the forefront and makes me realize I need to work on it.

The only other thing I can think of the escape the spiral of my imagination is to enter counselling. That’s a big step and a somewhat frightening one for me.

It may just be the only way to get my inside healthy…

It amazes me sometimes how my writing goes. This post isn’t anything like I originally planned it. The good thing though is that I’m not trying to write for someone else, this is an open journal yes, where people can see what I write, but it’s a journal for me, to look back on and see how I’ve changed. And this post is truly just me, typing and letting my thoughts take over.

Sorry if I bore you 🙂

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Status Update

Went to the gym last night, and I’m working on making healthier meals at home which include more beans and legumes and rice.

Last night we had chicken with seasoning salt, oregano and lemon juice squeezed over top, then roasted in the oven till just done. Unfortunately I didn’t have time to make the rice, so I made instant mashed potatoes (not that healthy, but better than just chicken and peas….) Tonight I’m making a hamburger meal with salsa, carrots, onions and navy beans mixed together, served over rice.

Trying very hard to not snack… snacking is my bane!!! I love chips and chocolate and the snack machines at work are $0.50 for ANYTHING!!! So I’ve stopped having change on me and started bringing berries with me to work to snack on.

The good thing is that I’m not putting on any weight, the bad thing is, I’m not losing any weight. I’m hoping to go to the gym later this week to do some cardio on the treadmill (and get my weekly tv watching in… I love TV but we don’t have cable at home, so I go to the gym to watch it… especially the food network… mmmmmm).

Probably my biggest issue with food though is my LOVE of processed foods… I was raised on Mac & Cheese, Hotdogs, frozen dinners and such, or the cheapest real food my mom could buy (a normal dinner would be dry hamburger, peas and instant rice… not the healthiest or yummiest meals out there). I have been hankering for Kraft Dinner SO MUCH lately, especially the white cheddar kind… ugh. It’s so hard…

Maybe I’ll try and make a healthier version.. I found a recipe for home made vegan mac and cheese that uses nutritional yeast and butternut squash in the sauce…

To top it all off, I’m trying to cut back my gluten intake, not cut it out entirely (not sure I could do that) but at least not eat white pasta, white bread, things like that. I’ll have pitas, or eat things with wheat sometimes, but I’m trying to really cut back on all the breads I’ve been eating. Working on filling that part of my diet with healthier grains like quinoa, red rice, and spelt. We’ll see how well I do.

I feel pretty much fine with my body all things considered, but I’ve had my fat % checked at the gym and I’m sitting at around 37 % which is almost double where I’m supposed to be, so that’s what I’m working on now more than losing weight.

So I need to hit the gym more, do some more cardio, work off these fat stores that I’ve built up and just keep on keeping on.

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The Issue With Time

Over the last 5 years I have had an interesting relationship with my weight. Prior to those 5 years I absolutely hated my body. I didn’t know at the time, but I was struggling with a hormone imbalance, accompanied by my body having difficulties absorbing a number of nutrients and minerals. The result of this was that I was 95 lbs, had yet to fully hit puberty, and was continuously hit with a string of colds and the flu. I was 23 years old, and I looked like a 12 year old boy, peach fuzz included.

My (not yet) hubby was my best friend at this point, he was my supervisor at work, and my ride to and from. At that point in my life, he saw more of me than my family, and it was he who pointed out that certain things about me were not normal. Even more detrimental, my health was very nearly costing me my job, what with the amount of sick days I was taking.

After a couple months of prodding (and nearly a full month of being on my period, complete with cramps so bad I was passing out, while running a chop saw) I finally agreed to go to the doctor. He took a quick look at his charts which had my complaints and said I should have come to see him about this 10 years prior. He did some testing, put me on the pill, advised that I change my diet and add suppliments to help my body absorb everything it needed, and sent me on my way.

In the first 6 months I went through 4 years of puberty… It was a bad 6 months. However, I came out the back end with a woman’s body, less peach fuzz and a frame that was 30 lbs heavier. For the first time in my adult life I looked at my body and I was pleased. I had some not so good outside influences who were “concerned” about how fast I put on the weight, and advised that I should diet as I was “perfect” the way I was before and if I wasn’t careful I would be “fat” and “ugly”.

I was 125 lbs, I was 5’6″ tall, I was at the low scale for my healthy weight and really had no reason to be concerned. I attempted to ignore these comments, but they were persistent and eventually they crept into my thoughts. Over the next two years, I slowly put on another 20 lbs, the main part of this was that I had stopped my dance classes due to lack of funds. With the lack of activity, I gained weight.

Now at 150 lbs, I was staring down the finish line to my wedding, having “helpful advisors” giving me tips on how to look my best, and ordering my dress one size smaller than I was when I tried it on as incentive. The last 4 months coming up to my wedding I lived on Subway salads and that was pretty much it. I dropped to about 145 lbs, but my dress was still a little tight.

On the honeymoon I stopped caring. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and didn’t let the voices in my head natter too loudly. I had a doctor’s appointment shortly after my return home, to find I was now 159 lbs, this is where my struggle really began.

It’s been nearly a year since that weigh in and I’m still sitting at around 160 lbs. I’m trying to make changes that will drop me back to about 150 lbs, but it’s hard. I look at my body and to me it doesn’t look bad. Then those “concerned voices” start up again in my head, pointing out the flaws, screaming that I’m getting ugly and fat. Telling me my husband won’t want me. I try to push them away, but they’re still audible.

Time heals all wounds… But it can create some too.

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