Tag Archives: life

Who am I?

Last night I was at a class that I’m taking called Financial Peace, which is all about learning how to care for your money and get out of debt. Yesterday’s class was about income. Getting a job that pays well, a job you love, a job that fulfills your need because it’s doing what you were put on the Earth to do. This brought on a lot of difficult thinking and looking at myself.

Looking back, I’ve not had one job that I LOVED… I’ve had jobs I’ve enjoyed, jobs I’ve liked, people who were great to work with, teams that I miss desperately… but the work I was doing has never felt right. I started off with the usual part time jobs, babysitting, Tim Horton’s, McDonald’s, waitressing… then I came to the time I needed to decide what I was going to do with my life. What college I wanted to attend, what career path I was going to take…. and nothing, I had NO clue.

I know now! And I’ll get to that later, I know what I wish I had done, where I wish I had gone, but at the time, I was lost. So when my Mother came to me with the job option she thought was the right one for me (the one that would pay well, that only took  1 year of college and would definitely have job availability) I took the option… I didn’t have another. I never thought about waiting, doing another year, thinking it through and not wasting my money (or rather, that of my mom and dad), as I barely made it 2 months before I dropped out of the program that was COMPLETELY not right for me.

I then went back to high school for a semester, and floundered around a bit. I love theatre, I love working in theater, and I love making costumes. I tried to go to an arts school for costume design, but my average wasn’t high enough. As sad as I was when it happened, it was a blessing in disguise. While I love theatre, love working in theatre and love making costumes, I love all these things as a HOBBY, and had I attempted to make it my job, I would have lost the love of them, what with deadlines, pressure, and working on things that just weren’t in my interest range.

I then got a full time job. It was not a great job, it was hard manual labour, hard hours, and lots of stress. It paid… ok, but it wasn’t great. It was in a building with no climate control, so I froze all winter and cooked all summer, and it was a job where I was standing for 10+ hours at a time. While I still didn’t know what I wanted to do, I knew what I DIDN’T want to do, and so, when I decided that I was going to go back to college, I didn’t look at what would make me happy, what would fulfill my life’s calling, or what I really wanted to do, I gave myself a list of critera.

1. It needed to be a job where I could sit down.
2. It needed to be a job that had climate control.
3. It needed to be a job that was engaging and interesting.
4. It needed to be a job that I felt comfortable and capable of doing.
5. It needed to be a job that had benefits.

And it was pretty much based on that order, with benefits being the least of my concerns, but a nice perk if it was available. So with that I sat down with my local community college’s book of classes and chose Administrative Assistant. It was a 2 year course, and it met all my criteria.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVED my course, but this is where things start to move into the, what I want to do, and what I chose to do. I LOVED my course because while I was taking it, I not only understood what I was learning, but I was assisting others in learning the topics as well. The act of learning something, taking it in, and then giving it to someone else as I taught them was so very fulfilling that it made me realize that ine of the main things I feel very led to is teaching… which… I’m not currently doing, so there’s one direction I missed. I didn’t listen to the urges, and I didn’t realize at the time what I was enjoying, it wasn’t until years later that I realized that I enjoyed the teaching, rather than the Admin work.

So I got a few different Admin positions over the last few years, and I’ve enjoyed the position (for the most part) at all of them. They all had their pluses and their minuses, but I’ve come to realize that this isn’t my ultimate goal. Eventually I will move on from this position, but right now, it’s working for me.

That direction that I know now, that if I could go back in time and talk to my 18 year old self as to what to go into… it would be languages. I love to learn languages, ever since I was in Grade 1 and my Mom put me into French Immersion. Right now, on my own, I’m teaching myself Japanese, but looking back and thinking about if I’d started this 10 years ago, I could have had my French back up to snuff and been able to do my N2 Japanese Literacy Proficiency Test by now.

I realize that that’s in the past, and I need to look forward, so I’m working on speaking French with my friend from Quebec, and I’m working towards my N5 JLPT.

As far as teaching goes, I’m looking towards taking my Microsoft Certification exams which would allow me to train others in the programs, that would take me towards the teaching aspect of me… and add my languages to that, maybe do some training internationally…

While I may not know what my career will fully look like in 5 or 10 years, right now I have a better look at what I look like now, and what I might look like then.

I really think the big question for people with careers, students looking to go into college, and kids growing up is more “Who am I” and not “What do I want to be”.

I think I’ve found who I am, now let’s see what I can do with it.

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The other side of healthy living

When people talk about healthy living, they quite often focus on eating right and exercizing regularly. They talk about their physical health, their progress with it, and how much it has changed their life.

However, just because you change patterns with your eating, your exercize, your lifestyle, that just doesn’t complete full healthy living. There’s a whole other side of healthy living that a lot of blogs and books don’t cover.

They’re like society, they only worry about the superficial. Do you appear healthy? Are you healthy on the outside?

Now don’t get my wrong, some of my favourite blogs are food blogs, recipe blogs, exercize blogs. I love Oh She Glows, she has some of my favourite recipes, I also read the blogs at Bodies in Motivation, where I really feel pushed to continue with my exercize schedule, even when I don’t want to. The big reason I enjoy these two sites is because they do focus on other areas of healthy living.

The inside part of it.

Healthy living isn’t just how you look, it’s how you feel, how you think, how you live.

You can train yourself to not go head down in a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (hello personal comfort food) whenever you’re hurt, tired, or depressed. But if you don’t deal with what’s making you hurt, tired or depressed, it’s just denying yourself something for the sake of denying yourself. To prove to yourself that you’re strong, you can get past these urges, and look, you fit a size 10 now.

It’s not a matter of “getting past” urges, it’s dealing with what is causing the urges. If every time you reach for the ice cream it’s because you’ve had a fight with your Mom, then you have to deal with your Mom!!! Otherwise, if you distract yourself from the ice cream by running on the treadmill, you’re just changing one obsession for another, and that’s not healthy!

You may have  a good body, but if your mental state isn’t there, you’re not getting the healthy body with the right reasons.

As part of that, I’m working towards healing some past hurts this year. My “bad feeling” obsessions are as follows:

-Youtube (I distract myself from real life by watching videos of other people’s lives)
-Romance Novels (If I felt unfufilled in my relationship with my husband, I’d find a different one in a book)
-The afore mentioned Ice Cream (When I got upset, I didn’t care about my body so I’d give up and eat my favourite dessert)
-My Imagination (When life becomes boring or to tough to handle, I escape to a story/movie that I have going in my head… it’s weird, but it’s a coping mechanism from childhood)

So, these have all become unhealthy things in my life. I’ve already taken steps to improve some of them.

Youtube

I have already started cutting back my internet time. I calculated out how many hours I spent watching youtube videos, and it was more than I care to reveal here. I was wasting my life away in front of my computer. So I’m cutting back on that, I’m trying to get myself down to maybe an hour a day. Which means I’m missing a BUNCH of videos because I just don’t have time to watch them, but it’s something I need to get past. Due to this extra time I’ve been able to hit the gym more, cook dinner, and read more… which brings us to:

Romance Novels

I checked last year through my library, journal, and memory, and I discovered that throughout the year of 2010, I did NOT read a full book other than a Romance novel at ALL. This, really saddened me. I mean come on… am I that sad of a person that the only books I read are romance? I’ve given myself a mandate. I need to read more for education and self healing. This is not to mean that I CAN’T read fiction or something, but I really want to stay away from Romance this year. (I’ve read one romance novel, but I started it at the end of December and finished it on New Years… I’m still counting it, but it’s just one, and I haven’t read any since). I’m going to put a page up top that lists the books I read this year. I’m hoping it looks a lot nicer than last years, which I’m too embarrassed to post.

Ice Cream

I should probably add Chips to this as well. I love snacky foods, and sugary ice cream. As stated above, I love Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, particularly Hagen Daaz, and I also really love chips. Now my cruddy eating usually falls around visits with family that don’t go well, fights with hubby or general feeling bad about myself. To counteract this I have placed some rules on myself. I’m not allowed to have change on my at ANY time (the vending machines at work are cheap and too easily accessed). Ice Cream is not allowed in the house (ok, so sometimes it is… we have a tub of it in the freezer right now, but when this happens, I’m not allowed to have more than a small scoop of it a day… and my hubby is very helpful with this in not eating it in front of me, or making sure he only gets a small bowl so I don’t feel like I’ve got such a piddly little amount). I’m also not allowed to eat ANYTHING after a major blow out with family. I’m notorious for gorging myself on any food I can find. So if it takes leaving the house to go for a drive with hubby or what, I just can’t have anything to eat until I’ve calmed down. Or if I NEED to eat, then it must be small and healthy, like a salad, or pita or something.

This may sound a little out there, but it’s what I need to do to curb my eating. I’m also not allowed to substitute the elliptical, jogging, or walking for the food. I must just STOP and deal with my emotions before I can continue. I have an addictive personality, and thankfully I never got into drugs, smoking, or to deep in alcohol, but I get addicted to other things very easily so I have to place limits.

My Imagination

This one I really will have problems with. It’s something I’ve had as long as I can remember. And if I could get the stories I’ve written in my head out on paper I’d probably be a famous author or screenwriter right now. But I’m not, and I can’t, and these different lives I’ve lived in my head are not exactly healthy and are really just a way for me to not live in the real world when things get too tough. My hubby always knows something’s not right when my eyes glazing over increases, because I’m not really there with him. I’m not sure exactly what I can do to stop this escape, like I said, it’s something I’ve done since I was a wee child. I had a difficult childhood and this made it livable, when things were too rough, I had a better life to live in my head, and it always had a happy ending. It’s hard to type this out, but as I’m typing for me, and not for anyone else, I need to get it out there.

Having it on the page makes it real, brings it to the forefront and makes me realize I need to work on it.

The only other thing I can think of the escape the spiral of my imagination is to enter counselling. That’s a big step and a somewhat frightening one for me.

It may just be the only way to get my inside healthy…

It amazes me sometimes how my writing goes. This post isn’t anything like I originally planned it. The good thing though is that I’m not trying to write for someone else, this is an open journal yes, where people can see what I write, but it’s a journal for me, to look back on and see how I’ve changed. And this post is truly just me, typing and letting my thoughts take over.

Sorry if I bore you 🙂

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